When I first meet parents I explain the approach I use-the DEVELOPMENTAL ATTACHMENT approach. I need to keep reminding myself that the term “Attachment” has different meanings to different people and its meaning has changed over the years. I studied this approach under Dr. Neufeld and it is his understanding of attachment which underpins my work (https://neufeldinstitute.org/about-us/dr-gordon-neufeld/).
The ESSENCE of Attachment is the drive or the relationship characterized by the pursuit and preservation of proximity. In other words, from the child’s perspective how can they find and keep closeness to those who care for them. This closeness is initially physically being with but as they grow older it includes emotional closeness and connection. As parents, we need to provide our connection generously so the child doesn’t have to work at it. A child in chronic pursuit will spend their energy seeking their parent’s proximity and attention-“look at me, I need you…” A child who has to work at preserving their parent’s attention feels like they must be good or behave otherwise their mum or dad won’t love them. They may have to sacrifice a part of themselves or suppress their emotions in order to feel loved.
The PURPOSE of attachment is to facilitate the dependence of the child upon the adults responsible for them. Dependence is nature’s answer to be able to take care of our young. The adult takes a “lead” position and guides and looks after the dependent child. The parent’s role becomes tricky and at times impossible if the child is not in the dependent position but rather independent, and it appears as if they are “the boss”. How can we parent a child when we have no lead?
To serve its primary purpose, attachment is arranged HIERARCHICALLY. The parent and the child are not equal. How can we parent a child who thinks that they have a choice over all matters in their life? How can we then expect they will brush their teeth, eat the dinner we have cooked for them, take your hand to cross the road? Of course we all want autonomy over our lives and we need to find ways that children can express this, such as through play, looking after pets or younger family members. However, in parent child relationships there should be 2 sets of complimentary instincts-the dependent child and the alpha or lead parent. With this are 2 sets of drives-the seeking of the child and the providing of the parent.
So, in attachment we are looking for the alpha dependent DANCE where the parent provides generously and the child’s seeking drive is satiated. If the hierarchy is upside down we see an inverted relationship-the child demands, the parents gives, the child demands some more and the parent gives some more until they become exhausted and frustrated and snap or withdraw, causing a disconnection in the relationship.
In my work I help parents find their lead position and show them how they can facilitate their child becoming dependent upon them. Its easy to parent a child who depends on you but impossible to parent a child who thinks they are in the lead. This alpha/lead position of the parent can take 2 paths-one with a hard heart and one with a soft heart. What we are striving for is a caring alpha who has a soft heart, who shows DELIGHT, ENJOYMENT and WARMTH when with their child, who helps them feel SAFE, LOVED and WORTHY. I think we all want to feel like this.