I was recently reading a Facebook post about how hard it is for parents to cope with living with a child with challenging behaviour. This particular post was from a mother of an autistic child with PDA. The child was refusing to go to school, was being rude and abusive to her parents and was at times violent towards them. When I read this my first thoughts were about the pain and suffering of the parents and the distress and trauma that the child must be experiencing. This is a common scenario with the parents I work with and was also something we experienced in our own family. It got me thinking about the journey that my husband and I have been on and how we have managed to cope and stay sane (just about!).
When we were experiencing the most difficult times with our son, friends and family often suggested taking a brake, getting away from it all, having some “me” time. It sounded like a wonderful idea but strangely it never really worked. If I ever did manage to have some time to myself, I would spend it worried about my son, about his future and how to help him. Sometimes I was able to refuel my tolerance tank but this was short lived. I knew the situation would be the same when I got back. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I absolutely needed to get away, even if just for 10 minutes so I didn’t explode. However, at the time I didn’t have the answers and no amount of time away was going to really solve the problem, it just allowed me to take a breath.
So, what did work, what did keep us all sane? The first part of this answer, I now realise, is Radical Acceptance. Accepting that my son was struggling and in pain. Accepting that his behaviour was out of his control and a symptom of a bigger issue. Accepting that the answer lay in adapting our thinking and the environment to meet his needs.
Because the thing that causes most stress is trying to control the uncontrollable. Trying to make our son conform and do what others expected when he couldn’t, because he was in distress and needed to protect himself. For us this meant accepting that school was traumatic for him and would never be able to meet his needs, however hard we tried. Accepting that he felt safe and understood when gaming and this helped to regulate his emotions. Accepting that in that moment he didn’t want to go out and socialize.
With this acceptance came peace.
Once we started to understand this and become more accepting of all aspects of the situation we were able to see that the second part of the answer lay in developing a deep and connected relationship with our son. When I discovered attachment theory it was like all the pieces of the puzzle coming together. Everything that felt intuitively right and compassionate and strong made sense through an attachment lense.
Through the development of a secure attachment, our son is beginning to feel safe again. He looks to us for support and guidance and knows we are there for him. He is wanting to spend time with us, venture out into the world and discover his passions. He is beginning to relax and allow us to look out for him.
It is these 2 discoveries that have allowed our family to live in harmony; radical acceptance and connected relationships, not a day at a spa! I no longer feel helpless, trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to fit my son into other’s expectations. I feel huge strength and purpose knowing that I am the answer.