Christmas is fast approaching and with it comes a whole bag of mixed emotions for us and our children. We may feel excited or stressed, frustrated or calm, lonely or connected. This time of year can feel wonderful but it can also feel really stressful and pressurized for you and your children. Time off work and school, spending time with friends and family, the different food and drink, the change in routine, the twinkling lights and Christmas music.
I think there are so many expectations over Christmas and New Year-we may be expected to follow family traditions, have a good time, be grateful for what we receive. Maybe you need to eat at a certain time, your children are expected to sit at the table, play with their cousins, give granny a hug. There is often so much pressure from others and all eyes are on your child and their behaviour.
Its at these times that our children are often in overwhelm. All the overload of senses-too many people, sounds, smells, lights. Too many changes in routine. Far too many expectations which your children might not be able to meet. Maybe they can’t sit at the table for the whole meal. Maybe its too much for them when everyone gives them a hug or wants to play with them. Maybe they don’t like the food and they are being pressurized to finish what’s on their plate. If you have a teenage son like me, just getting up, dressed and downstairs when visitors arrive seems an impossibility. Then there is all the changes at school-practicing for Christmas plays, going to church services, parents coming into school, expectations to sit still and be quiet for extended periods, wearing different clothes, having to learn lines.
When a child feels like they can’t meet the expectations of them in that moment, their body can go into Fight, Flight, Freeze of Fawn mode as a protective response. A fight response might look like a meltdown, an angry outburst, hitting, biting, pinching, swearing or being rude. The child may have a freeze response and shut down, not respond, or want to talk to others. Or maybe their response is flight-they run away, shut themselves in their room, or hide under the table. You may even see a fawn response where your child masks how they are feeling, they abandon their own needs to avoid conflict, criticism, or disapproval and try to please everyone (which is exhausting).
So, we now have a child in overwhelm and presenting with behaviours which we may find challenging and difficult to manage. We may find it hard to stay calm and unconditionally accept our children in these moments. We may think other people are judging us and our children. We may worry that others are thinking we can’t control our children, that our children are spoilt or badly behaved and are ruining Christmas.
When we have these fears, we often revert to trying to control our child’s behaviour, trying to make them stop. We may use bribes or threats, consequences or time outs and if these don’t work, we may have our own meltdown and start yelling or shouting.
These techniques may look like they work in the short term because your child is so afraid they shut down or run away and their challenging behaviour stops. It’s also possible that your child’s behaviour will escalate as they are angry and frustrated. Either way, trying to control their behaviour in this way isn’t going to let your child know you love them, they are safe, and they are important to you.
So, what have I learnt from my years of parenting a child who struggles with overwhelm and socialising? Who fights against all demands in order to feel safe and in control. Who has a completely different sleep pattern, who struggles with transition from one place to another.
I have learnt that the best strategy is to try and adapt the environment to reduce the overwhelm. I need to be my son’s advocate in situations where he can’t stand up for himself. It is my job to help regulate and protect him from becoming overloaded, to stand up for his choices and be the one to explain these to family and friends. This has meant some unpopular decisions but that’s my job.
It means we usually have Christmas at home, just us. We don’t open presents until everyone is ready (sometimes not until late evening). We eat what everyone wants which is often a ready meal or pizza! I turn down long family get togethers if I think they will be too much for my son and arrange to visit for a short time or on my own. I try my best to remember that this is just a day, and we can choose how we want it to look. The most important mission of the day is that we are all relaxed, having fun and doing what makes us happy, which may involve staying in bed, watching films and eating chocolate-yes please!!!