If you are a parent, it won’t be long before you start to feel GUILTY about how you are parenting and any mistakes you may think you have made. You feel bad when something doesn’t work for your child and you think its your fault.
But did you know we are meant to feel this way, it is the way our brains were designed? It is part of the emotion which leads you to try and make things better.
My son is now 17 and I feel a huge level of guilt about how I parented him when he was younger. I used behaviour modification techniques like consequences, time outs and rewards. My love for him was conditional; I ignored behaviour I didn’t like and rewarded behaviour that pleased me. I didn’t always acknowledge his feelings and needs but rather tried to fit him into a neurotypical world. I think he felt unsafe because I often told him how his behaviour was affecting me. I feel guilty about returning to work when he was 6 months old, not taking him out of school sooner, not pushing for a diagnosis when he was younger-and the list goes on!
Its hard to acknowledge these feelings and share them with others. As a culture, we are adverse to talking about guilt. We find the feeling uncomfortable and often hide it deep within ourselves. If a parent does share these feelings with us, we want to reassure them that its not their fault, their child is difficult to parent. And this is true-we are all doing the best we can with the skills that we have in each given moment. But acknowledging this truth doesn’t make the feelings of guilt go away.
For me, acknowledging my guilt provides space to see that I want things to be different. When he was younger it pushed me to find a different way to support my son. It’s what led me to train as a behaviour specialist. Just today I have been feeling guilty about not listening enough to my son, instead trying to share my pearls of wisdom. This acknowledgement and realization will help me meet his needs better next time.
During the process of supporting parents, I find that not seeing and acknowledging guilt often prevents them from moving forward and making any necessary changes. If guilt demands more room than you give it, it will get in the way of you becoming the parent your child needs. Because guilt will be at some level within you and by not giving it space and allowing it to be expressed and released, it will prevent you from becoming courageous, strong and responsible, necessary qualities as a parent. Being consumed with guilt can be hugely painful and make you feel stuck.
So, I would recommend making friends with guilt, invite it and accept it as a necessary part of your life. Think about what you feel guilty about, what you wish you had done differently. Can you live with the decisions you made, can you understand why you made them, can you change anything now you know differently?
By releasing guilt, you can find a space for delight, enjoyment and warmth with your child.