When I ask myself this question the first answer that comes to mind is “because they drive me crazy” “because they don’t do anything I ask them” “they never listen to me” “its the only way I can get their attention”. I suspect this might be quite similar to your first thoughts.
So my next question is “Does it work?”. My own experience and that of other parents that I work with is that in the short term it does sometimes have the desired effect of getting the child’s attention and they do sometimes do as they are told. At other times it makes the situation worse and your child may shout back, swear at you and even become violent. Some children may run away, go to their room or shut down.
And then follows the question I get asked most frequently by parents “If I know that shouting isn’t something that I want to do, if I understand that it is harmful for my relationship with my child and often makes things worse, why do I still do it?”
I believe the answer lies in how you interpret the situation. Its not the situation itself which is causing you to yell and get angry, but rather what it means to you. Why is it that you can tolerate someone else’s child shouting but not your own? Why is it that you may be fine with your child disagreeing with you but it makes your partner furious? I support many parents who have very different expectations of their children. One parent might be happy for their child to eat pizza with their hands but another may think this is bad manners. One parents may think talking back is acceptable and another may see this as disrespectful. In each case, the child’s behaviour is the same but the parents feel very differently about it and will therefore respond very differently.
This is because we all bring our own “story” to the situation. So, how do we form this “story”? I think it is made up of 4 main areas:-
What we believe-do we believe children should be seen and not heard, never talk back to their parents, don’t disagree, control their emotions, be free to do what they want…? These values and expectations often come from our own upbringing and how our parents were with us. We may be acting in the same way as our parents or trying our best to do the opposite of our parents.
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What we feel-how are we feeling physically and mentally? Are we exhausted, hungry, unwell, overwhelmed? Are we frustrated, angry, sad?
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What we fear-do we worry that if our child continues like this they will never make friends, they wont cope at school, they will never become independent? Do we catastrophize and think the worse?
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What others say-do we worry what other people will think of us, will they judge us? If we are at the supermarket and our child is having a meltdown, do we become controlling and try to shut our child down because we are embarrassed? When our parents or friends are around, do we behave in ways out of character because we are worried what they will think of us as a parent if your child is out of control?
If we want to stop the yelling and shouting, the best place to start is to think about these 4 questions. An awareness of your own story can really help you better understand why you respond in certain ways and give you the chance to “catch yourself” before you have your own meltdown!
If you would like help with discovering your own story and how you can change this story so you can be the parent your child needs, please get in touch. I offer a free online consultation:
www.connectedparenting.co.uk/book-online